this year is full of them.
clinging to the one spot of sunshine in my life.
if i don’t have a goal in life i am utterly reduced to nothing.
because i want everything. there is no focus, there is no end.
at least, not the end one would hope to have.
emo emo emo. i know. but i just need to let it out because it’s making my mind a mess.
breathe. stop. let go.
breathing does wonders. let’s not worry about the end and familiarize ourselves with the means. what i’m trying to say is, worrying about the future doesn’t will lend ourselves to a peace of mind. since we aren’t in control of that, but we are in control of right now, let’s focus on that yeah? also, you looked great on that treadmill this morning. :) powerful stride, controlled breathing, undeniable focus. greatness right there.
Time is winning. Everything is passing by too fast, almost in a blur. This time, the extremely gratifying feelings I feel when I come home only take hold long enough for me to recognize them and then flit away the way a bee pollinates a flower. The feeling of coming home is no longer new, no longer a first. And so I experience it with less emotion, less eagerness even though I fight for how I felt when I first came home during winter break of freshman year. The stark realization of what I had before I went to LA hit too hard and left me confused about what I wanted. I wanted comfort, but I also wanted success and so I was stuck in two places at once: My heart at home and my brain in LA. This is a reoccurring theme for me, being in two places at once. Physically I’m in one place, mentally I’m in another. Most of my relationships have played out that way. Because of the long distance, I am always left daydreaming about the next time I’ll be able to see them again. I try to close the transcontinental divide between my family and I by pretending to eat dinner with them via Skype. Once again, wishing I was there and not here. I guess the hoping for and looking forward to helped me win against the humdrum of everyday life.
Now, I’m home, in surburbia, where there are excess cars, excess children, excess lights, excess washing machines, excess weight. Excess money breeds excess bratty children breeding even more excess bratty children demanding excess iPads and excess iPhones. Despite this madness, this was such an awesome place for me to grow up. Amidst the excess, I found the essentials, the key players pivotal in creating the way that I interact with the world. And for that, I am lucky…and forever grateful. I am lucky to have daily inspirations. I am lucky to feel complete acceptance and to feel in tune with people I share no blood with. I come back home after a year’s absence and here I am, drinking Budweiser at Chuck E. Cheese’s like it was a tradition we’ve had for ages. And though I have been absent for a year, conversation flows and witty banter ensues. I am lucky to have tethers to reality, to keep me from sinking into my own quicksand of bullshit that is sometimes my mind. What’s better is seeing everyone come into their own. Emerging from the teenage angst we experienced together, it is clear that our hormonal struggles have not been in vain. “The way I see it, our generation is just starting to build momentum for the future. We all have big dreams, great ideas, and plenty of ambition. It just needs a launching point. If we can show the people that they aren’t alone in trying to make something, they can come together.”
The first two years after I moved away to the West Coast for college, I beat myself up into an unrecognizable pulp. I wasn’t doing as well as I wanted in school, I missed my friends, I missed music. I was suddenly the smallest mino in an ocean of whales and sharks. But without this, I couldn’t have appreciated home as much as I do now. It never fails to calm me like the sound of my mom clearing her throat in the morning right before she has her breakfast. It’s really all I need.
I wish everyone happiness and good health in the coming year. Happy 2012.
Hi
